conflict of emotion. desire for opposing ends. unsustainable need, overflowing void, the calmest suffocation.

i feel more owned than ever.  i am a gear being pushed, pushing other components to paint a larger picture.  a picture i can't even see.

keep eyes looking.

what a way what a way what a way to end a day.

it's like, it's like, okay.  you look at everything around.  it is everything.  you know it all, it is all, everything.  yet in contrast it is nothing.  nothing.  some small speck sitting still saturated by silence.  contrast to an actual everything; your everything being compared to everything's everything.  how small we become.  how distant our tragedies and humility and joy and happiness and knowledge and skill and loves and hates and on and on, so far away, faded empty.  and yet, it is everything.  all this nothing, this meaninglessness, it is everything.  how do we act so important, so serious, so critical?  like there is significance to things we think or do.

but... but.

why would we feel anything if this is so trivial?

i'd rather feel nothing.  i'd rather be in control, act only through logic.  define purpose based on empty calculation, steering toward a benevolent goal.  look at the world, pretend there is a definition of purpose, help it along.  grab the hand and pull.  don't let anything down.  instead i'm kept inside this shell of desire.  selfishness.  greed.  trying to feel good.  trying to feel high.  i act out, thrash against this with painful self awareness.  but it is just eyes peering out of a cage.  the trap.  all the same, all the help, all the giving, all for me.  give you everything, for me.  love you, for me.  ruin my life, for me.


so easy, yes?

erlagt!

ti wes nuk tikk
ate lik fin sol
u cay lez etmer
ha senz all day